Can You Lead A Horse To Water?

By Hunter Burgan

     "The man who can't visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot."
           - André Breton, French Surrealist.

     They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I think that's assuming a lot! First off, can we really assume the horse's gender without checking? I, for one, do not wish to be the person in charge of checking. Do you know what the statistics for non-fatal horse related injuries in the US are? I don't either, but I assume they're not pretty. So for the sake of this essay, let's just call the horse an "it."

     They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I think that's still assuming a lot! I mean...can you? Can you lead a horse to water? Can you lead a horse at all? Can you even find a horse? I don't know about you, but where I live there aren't horses just hanging out waiting to be lead around. This saying must date back to a time when horses were just hanging around every corner. So, in order to rule out some of these variables and make this easier, let's just assume that you are lucky enough to find a horse who is already near water.

     They say you can't make a horse drink. I believe it. That horse is spoiled. You could probably buy that horse some candy and flowers or maybe take it on a date to a really nice Italian restaurant and a jazz club afterward or even fly that horse to Horse Island for a weekend getaway AND STILL the horse probably wouldn't drink, which brings me to the next question.

     Why are you trying to get this horse to drink? Surely you aren't trying to take advantage of a horse that's been drinking, right? I'm sure the last thing you need right now, is some type of legal mess that involves an under-aged horse. A jury is not going to be very sympathetic, especially after the cops find the dead horse's body in your trunk! I know what you're thinking, "But Hunter, what was I supposed to do with the body!?!"

     There's no use in beating a dead horse. I'll agree with that one. Unless, well... Unless you're under the impression that you can beat a dead horse back to life. I looked online for the definitive horse CPR website, but all I could find was a t-shirt that reads: "I looked online for the definitive horse CPR website, but all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

     "Hold your horses, Hunter!" you might be thinking right now, "Where are you going with all of this?" That's a very good question! Winston Churchill once said, "There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man." That makes me wonder what he thought of the inside of a horse. Churchill was smart enough to know that the inside of a horse is often filled with Greek soldiers. At least that's how it was back in the day.

     If you lead a horse to water and it decides to drink, then what? If you are clever enough to convince the horse of its thirst, then my work is done here. The student has become the master. Good for you! If you still can't manage to even find a horse, keep trying. If you fall off the horse, it's in your best interest to get back on, or get the hell away. Thirsty horses can be dangerous.

     "You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead."
          - Stan Laurel, comedy pioneer.


Originally published at TranquilMammoth.com on September 15, 2008.