Predictable.

by Erika Schmidt

I am going to write the best April Fool's Day blog.

Next year!

The History of Valentine’s Day & Other Moderately Useless Information

By Cheval Invisible

     Oh, St. Valentine. You card, you. How many times has your holiday come around just to leave me feeling disappointed, stuffed with candy, and mildly embarrassed at the lack of roses sitting atop my desk at work (while the women around me can barely see their monitors over the tower of tulips that arrived first thing in the morning)?

     Jerk.

     No, really it’s ok, I still love you. But gosh, I feel like I hardly even KNOW you. How about we get better acquainted?

     Can you please tell me why we send cards, chocolates and flowers to our beloved “sweethearts” every February 14th? What, exactly, are we celebrating? Why has the life of such a mysterious (and somewhat ambiguous) patron saint resulted in the social ritual of teddy bear exchanging?

     I have a few theories. I also have a lot of time on my hands. I have gathered all we have come to know about Valentine’s Day and constructed a fairly likely biography of Mr. Valentine, love ambassador to the world.


Thaddius Valentine – 245 AD to Infinity
     Thaddius Valentine was born on a warm summer morning in what scientists* have guessed to be somewhere between 245 AD and 1945. Thaddius was a loving child, and although very allergic, he was a self-proclaimed “flower enthusiast” from birth. During his adolescence, Thaddius began developing his interest in card making/writing, which became a life long hobby, and he distributed his original “paper card affections” to all the local townspeople every winter. He didn’t get the hang of designing his cards properly until later in life, as his childhood creations were notorious for containing multiple angry dinosaur faces along colorful depictions of what “shame” feels like.

     As a young adult, Thaddius had planned a life full of politics and felt he was destined for Leadership Science** and applied to several law schools. However, after numerous rejections Thaddius opted to pursue a life in patron saintery.

     “Why the heck not, ya know?” he is famously quoted for saying, probably.

     After Thaddius graduated from Theology College (the online program) he eventually found himself working in a teddy bear factory. Yes, they do exist. Thadd quickly worked his way up the corporate ladder through hard work, strategic networking, and of course, CHOCOLATES! Thadd was head of the Office Event Planning Committee and he often shared his many homemade candy recipes with his coworkers. Famous for his sweet tooth and anatomical knowledge of stuffed animals, the CEO of TBF Inc., eventually noticed Thaddius and offered him a job as the CCO (Chief Confections Officer) to which Thaddius gladly accepted. [Is this getting wacky yet, or what?!]

     Thaddius enjoyed a long career as CCO at the Teddy Bear Factory and spent almost 20 weeks writing his autobiography, Chocoholic: Confections of an Addict. The book was never officially published although excerpts can be found in the The Dish: The Rhode Island Monthly Newsletter.

     Shortly before his death on February 14th, 780 B.C., Thaddius made a formal heartfelt request to his mailman (who happened to be walking by at the time) to deliver all the cards he had made as a child to the people of the world and remind them to celebrate happiness, love, and angry dinosaur faces. The mailman was inspired by Valentine’s dying wish and promised to continue spreading the story of Thaddius for as long as he lived (or delivered mail).

The End.
~
     So that’s the story of Valentine’s Day. To recap: a chocolate loving, card writing, teddy bear factory making patron saint inspired a mailman to deliver personalized cards to various people expressing affection and creativity and this eventually became what the holiday is today. That’s not too hard to believe, right? It certainly wraps up a lot of the controversy regarding his origin, the namesake, and the traditions. What else do you people want from me?

     However, the mailman’s name was also Valentine...although I am pretty sure that is just a coincidence.

     Happy Valentine’s Day!


*Scientists have not actually verified this claim.
**Leadership Science does not actually exist. Yet.

Can You Lead A Horse To Water?

By Hunter Burgan

     "The man who can't visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot."
           - André Breton, French Surrealist.

     They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I think that's assuming a lot! First off, can we really assume the horse's gender without checking? I, for one, do not wish to be the person in charge of checking. Do you know what the statistics for non-fatal horse related injuries in the US are? I don't either, but I assume they're not pretty. So for the sake of this essay, let's just call the horse an "it."

     They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I think that's still assuming a lot! I mean...can you? Can you lead a horse to water? Can you lead a horse at all? Can you even find a horse? I don't know about you, but where I live there aren't horses just hanging out waiting to be lead around. This saying must date back to a time when horses were just hanging around every corner. So, in order to rule out some of these variables and make this easier, let's just assume that you are lucky enough to find a horse who is already near water.

     They say you can't make a horse drink. I believe it. That horse is spoiled. You could probably buy that horse some candy and flowers or maybe take it on a date to a really nice Italian restaurant and a jazz club afterward or even fly that horse to Horse Island for a weekend getaway AND STILL the horse probably wouldn't drink, which brings me to the next question.

     Why are you trying to get this horse to drink? Surely you aren't trying to take advantage of a horse that's been drinking, right? I'm sure the last thing you need right now, is some type of legal mess that involves an under-aged horse. A jury is not going to be very sympathetic, especially after the cops find the dead horse's body in your trunk! I know what you're thinking, "But Hunter, what was I supposed to do with the body!?!"

     There's no use in beating a dead horse. I'll agree with that one. Unless, well... Unless you're under the impression that you can beat a dead horse back to life. I looked online for the definitive horse CPR website, but all I could find was a t-shirt that reads: "I looked online for the definitive horse CPR website, but all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

     "Hold your horses, Hunter!" you might be thinking right now, "Where are you going with all of this?" That's a very good question! Winston Churchill once said, "There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man." That makes me wonder what he thought of the inside of a horse. Churchill was smart enough to know that the inside of a horse is often filled with Greek soldiers. At least that's how it was back in the day.

     If you lead a horse to water and it decides to drink, then what? If you are clever enough to convince the horse of its thirst, then my work is done here. The student has become the master. Good for you! If you still can't manage to even find a horse, keep trying. If you fall off the horse, it's in your best interest to get back on, or get the hell away. Thirsty horses can be dangerous.

     "You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead."
          - Stan Laurel, comedy pioneer.


Originally published at TranquilMammoth.com on September 15, 2008.