by Erika Schmidt
I am going to write the best April Fool's Day blog.
Next year!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Roses Are Red
By Hunter Burgan
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you won't be mine
I'll have to kill you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I cut off your air
And your face is blue too
Roses are red
Violence is great
I burned down the bistro
Where we had our first date
Roses are red
Violets aren't purple?
When the blood leaves your jugular
It goes "gurgle gurgle"
Roses are red
Why won't you die!?
Guns and knives
And chainsaws, oh my!
Roses are red
And so is your blood
When you fall 22 stories
Your body goes "THUD!"
Roses are red
Violets are "in"
I want to sew a pantsuit
Out of your skin
Roses are red
I'm being quite hostile
When I take an ice pick
And shove it up your nostril
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
But it's actually poison
Roses are redViolets are blue
If you won't be mine
I'll have to kill you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I cut off your air
And your face is blue too
Roses are red
Violence is great
I burned down the bistro
Where we had our first date
Roses are red
Violets aren't purple?
When the blood leaves your jugular
It goes "gurgle gurgle"
Roses are red
Why won't you die!?
Guns and knives
And chainsaws, oh my!
Roses are red
And so is your blood
When you fall 22 stories
Your body goes "THUD!"
Roses are red
Violets are "in"
I want to sew a pantsuit
Out of your skin
Roses are red
I'm being quite hostile
When I take an ice pick
And shove it up your nostril
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
But it's actually poison
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The History of Valentine’s Day & Other Moderately Useless Information
By Cheval InvisibleOh, St. Valentine. You card, you. How many times has your holiday come around just to leave me feeling disappointed, stuffed with candy, and mildly embarrassed at the lack of roses sitting atop my desk at work (while the women around me can barely see their monitors over the tower of tulips that arrived first thing in the morning)?
Jerk.
No, really it’s ok, I still love you. But gosh, I feel like I hardly even KNOW you. How about we get better acquainted?
Can you please tell me why we send cards, chocolates and flowers to our beloved “sweethearts” every February 14th? What, exactly, are we celebrating? Why has the life of such a mysterious (and somewhat ambiguous) patron saint resulted in the social ritual of teddy bear exchanging?
I have a few theories. I also have a lot of time on my hands. I have gathered all we have come to know about Valentine’s Day and constructed a fairly likely biography of Mr. Valentine, love ambassador to the world.
Thaddius Valentine was born on a warm summer morning in what scientists* have guessed to be somewhere between 245 AD and 1945. Thaddius was a loving child, and although very allergic, he was a self-proclaimed “flower enthusiast” from birth. During his adolescence, Thaddius began developing his interest in card making/writing, which became a life long hobby, and he distributed his original “paper card affections” to all the local townspeople every winter. He didn’t get the hang of designing his cards properly until later in life, as his childhood creations were notorious for containing multiple angry dinosaur faces along colorful depictions of what “shame” feels like.
As a young adult, Thaddius had planned a life full of politics and felt he was destined for Leadership Science** and applied to several law schools. However, after numerous rejections Thaddius opted to pursue a life in patron saintery.
“Why the heck not, ya know?” he is famously quoted for saying, probably.
After Thaddius graduated from Theology College (the online program) he eventually found himself working in a teddy bear factory. Yes, they do exist. Thadd quickly worked his way up the corporate ladder through hard work, strategic networking, and of course, CHOCOLATES! Thadd was head of the Office Event Planning Committee and he often shared his many homemade candy recipes with his coworkers. Famous for his sweet tooth and anatomical knowledge of stuffed animals, the CEO of TBF Inc., eventually noticed Thaddius and offered him a job as the CCO (Chief Confections Officer) to which Thaddius gladly accepted. [Is this getting wacky yet, or what?!]
Thaddius enjoyed a long career as CCO at the Teddy Bear Factory and spent almost 20 weeks writing his autobiography, Chocoholic: Confections of an Addict. The book was never officially published although excerpts can be found in the The Dish: The Rhode Island Monthly Newsletter.
Shortly before his death on February 14th, 780 B.C., Thaddius made a formal heartfelt request to his mailman (who happened to be walking by at the time) to deliver all the cards he had made as a child to the people of the world and remind them to celebrate happiness, love, and angry dinosaur faces. The mailman was inspired by Valentine’s dying wish and promised to continue spreading the story of Thaddius for as long as he lived (or delivered mail).
~
So that’s the story of Valentine’s Day. To recap: a chocolate loving, card writing, teddy bear factory making patron saint inspired a mailman to deliver personalized cards to various people expressing affection and creativity and this eventually became what the holiday is today. That’s not too hard to believe, right? It certainly wraps up a lot of the controversy regarding his origin, the namesake, and the traditions. What else do you people want from me?
However, the mailman’s name was also Valentine...although I am pretty sure that is just a coincidence.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
*Scientists have not actually verified this claim.
**Leadership Science does not actually exist. Yet.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Five Animals I Wouldn't Want To Fight (and how I would fight them if I had to)
By Hunter Burgan
I'd like to stress that as a vegan and animal lover, there are almost no circumstances under which I would ever harm a living creature. The following situations and techniques are for the exception to that rule. These are to be assumed as "life or death" situations.
1. Grizzly Bear - Since most bears can outrun any human (even Carl Lewis) and they typically disembowel their victims, the key to fighting a grizzly bear is to distract it, then incapacitate it. To distract it, I would employ the use of a laser. No laser pointer or laser sight is enough to do the trick, however. I'm talking about a laser light show. Pink Floyd style. I seem to recall seeing a travel size version of this at Guitar Center. Don't correct me if I'm wrong. Once the bear is distracted, I would knock it on the head with a bowling ball. A 14 lb. ball (or heavier) will do the trick. Don't go into battle with one of those hot pink 8 lb. balls they have at the bowling alley unless you want your guts spread all around the forest. One or two hits to the head should be enough to render the bear unconscious. Remember, I'm not trying to kill the poor creature, just protect myself from imminent death.
2. Shark - Once a shark gets a taste of your blood, it will eat you. That's just a fact. Make a note to never serve hors d'oeuvres made from your own blood at a party that sharks will be attending. Since the vast majority of shark fights take place underwater, let's assume that for my shark fight, I'm also underwater. Let's also assume that I'm wearing military grade scuba gear. The gear would of course be state of the art and I would look really good wearing it (I'm hoping I will get some sort of scuba gear sponsorship out of this.) Now on to the fight. Sharks are just mouths that can swim, but those mouths are filled with thousands of razor sharp teeth. I imagine that (once again, don't correct me if I'm wrong) with enough peanut butter, you could make the shark's mouth stick together. It would take more than just a jar of Skippy and a spoon though. I would need something that sprays a high volume of peanut butter at a high velocity underwater. We'll call this device the Peanut Blaster™. (If any food-weaponry companies out there want to manufacture the Peanut Blaster™, get in touch with my lawyer and we'll work something out. I have detailed schematics in my head.) A shark fight is that simple. I'll blast the shark in the mouth with the Peanut Blaster™ set to "stun" and then swim away in my new scuba gear.
3. Tyrannosaurus Rex - Fighting a T. Rex requires encountering one, and that requires owning a time machine, which I do. However, I think this unique set of circumstances raises the question, "Why fight a T. Rex when you could just travel to a time of obvious safety instead?" Normally I would do just that, travel forward or backward through time to avoid a T. Rex fight. But what if the time machine was damaged by a clumsy Diplodocus? I would have no other choice than to fight a T. Rex if cornered. Since T. Rexes' teeth can crush bone, and they have binocular vision, comparable or better than modern hawks, I would have to avoid being seen in order to avoid being eaten. I would quickly dress in camouflage to avoid being seen. I prefer pink and grey camouflage if available, since it's a fact that all dinosaurs are color blind (okay, it's not a fact, it's my theory.) Then I would sneak up behind the T. Rex and, with a jack hammer, break one of his tibias before he is able to turn around. T. Rexes are notoriously slow at turning around. Hopefully this would buy enough time to fix my time machine. If not, I would resort to blinding him with the Peanut Blaster™.
4. Lion - Lions are the rightful kings of the jungle, and I would never attempt to fight a king in his own kingdom. So let's just say, in the the spirit of equity, that the lion is in my kitchen. Normally I would use a similar technique for lions, tigers and bears- the laser/bowling ball combo. Since you've already heard me explain that one, I'll illustrate another technique. I call this one Plan B. Plan B consists of two things: 1. The element of surprise, and 2. Piping hot soup. I always keep a a large (but light-weight) cauldron of piping hot soup in my kitchen, usually split pea, or some type of vegan bisque. In order to surprise the lion, I will need to do something it would never expect. First I would turn my stereo on full blast. Lenny Kravitz's "Are You Gonna Go My Way?" is the song of choice when fighting lions. The intensity of Lenny's guitar riff during the intro might be enough to surprise the lion, but I wouldn't stop there. Next I would turn off all the lights except for the strobe light above the stove. While the lion is recovering from this confusing change of scene, I would knock over the cauldron of soup, effectively covering the floor, making it hot and slippery. Finally, I would swing down from atop the fridge on a rope made of hemp and kick the lion back into a pit. If you're going to try this technique at home (which I highly recommend) you may want to dig a pit in your kitchen like I have. Taking care of this in advance will ensure that you are ready for almost any wild mammal attacks in your home. I have covered my pit with a few leafy branches and most days I don't even notice it.
5. Cobra - Can you outrun a cobra? My guess is no. Even if you're fast, eventually you may have to fight a cobra. Here's what I would do if I had to fight one. First I would check to see if it's a spitting cobra. Spitting (like yawning) is contagious. Pay close attention to the dugout at a professional baseball game for an example of this phenomenon. If I spit over to my right and the cobra does nothing, I know it's safe to approach with a hockey stick covered in molasses. Cobras love molasses (as always, don't correct me if I'm wrong) and will be trying to lick the hockey stick the whole time I'm pummeling the poor creature. Case closed. However, if I spit over to the right and the cobra spits over to its right, I know I've got a spitting cobra on my hands and all bets are off. The Peanut Blaster™ is useless against snakes, as are most soups and strobes. Lasers are mildly effective, but require precise positioning, which is often hard to do with little or no time in such a stressful situation. Your best bet, and what I would do, is quickly build a fire. Snakes hate fire (as demonstrated in Indiana Jones films) and will either retreat to look for supplies to make smores, or become aggressively hostile. If the latter is the case, I would let the cobra chase me into a hall of mirrors. Cobras may be deadly, but they're not that smart. I'm sure I could trick the cobra into attacking my reflection enough times that it would eventually grow weary and give up.
Hopefully we will all be lucky enough to never have to fight these animals. Normally this is where you would find a legal disclaimer, warning you to never fight animals and to never use my techniques. You'll find no disclaimer here, just this warning: If you happen to find yourself face to face with one of these formidable creatures and DO NOT use my techniques, you're as good as dead, and I will not visit your grave!
Originally published at TranquilMammoth.com on January 1, 2009.
I'd like to stress that as a vegan and animal lover, there are almost no circumstances under which I would ever harm a living creature. The following situations and techniques are for the exception to that rule. These are to be assumed as "life or death" situations.
1. Grizzly Bear - Since most bears can outrun any human (even Carl Lewis) and they typically disembowel their victims, the key to fighting a grizzly bear is to distract it, then incapacitate it. To distract it, I would employ the use of a laser. No laser pointer or laser sight is enough to do the trick, however. I'm talking about a laser light show. Pink Floyd style. I seem to recall seeing a travel size version of this at Guitar Center. Don't correct me if I'm wrong. Once the bear is distracted, I would knock it on the head with a bowling ball. A 14 lb. ball (or heavier) will do the trick. Don't go into battle with one of those hot pink 8 lb. balls they have at the bowling alley unless you want your guts spread all around the forest. One or two hits to the head should be enough to render the bear unconscious. Remember, I'm not trying to kill the poor creature, just protect myself from imminent death.
2. Shark - Once a shark gets a taste of your blood, it will eat you. That's just a fact. Make a note to never serve hors d'oeuvres made from your own blood at a party that sharks will be attending. Since the vast majority of shark fights take place underwater, let's assume that for my shark fight, I'm also underwater. Let's also assume that I'm wearing military grade scuba gear. The gear would of course be state of the art and I would look really good wearing it (I'm hoping I will get some sort of scuba gear sponsorship out of this.) Now on to the fight. Sharks are just mouths that can swim, but those mouths are filled with thousands of razor sharp teeth. I imagine that (once again, don't correct me if I'm wrong) with enough peanut butter, you could make the shark's mouth stick together. It would take more than just a jar of Skippy and a spoon though. I would need something that sprays a high volume of peanut butter at a high velocity underwater. We'll call this device the Peanut Blaster™. (If any food-weaponry companies out there want to manufacture the Peanut Blaster™, get in touch with my lawyer and we'll work something out. I have detailed schematics in my head.) A shark fight is that simple. I'll blast the shark in the mouth with the Peanut Blaster™ set to "stun" and then swim away in my new scuba gear.
3. Tyrannosaurus Rex - Fighting a T. Rex requires encountering one, and that requires owning a time machine, which I do. However, I think this unique set of circumstances raises the question, "Why fight a T. Rex when you could just travel to a time of obvious safety instead?" Normally I would do just that, travel forward or backward through time to avoid a T. Rex fight. But what if the time machine was damaged by a clumsy Diplodocus? I would have no other choice than to fight a T. Rex if cornered. Since T. Rexes' teeth can crush bone, and they have binocular vision, comparable or better than modern hawks, I would have to avoid being seen in order to avoid being eaten. I would quickly dress in camouflage to avoid being seen. I prefer pink and grey camouflage if available, since it's a fact that all dinosaurs are color blind (okay, it's not a fact, it's my theory.) Then I would sneak up behind the T. Rex and, with a jack hammer, break one of his tibias before he is able to turn around. T. Rexes are notoriously slow at turning around. Hopefully this would buy enough time to fix my time machine. If not, I would resort to blinding him with the Peanut Blaster™.
4. Lion - Lions are the rightful kings of the jungle, and I would never attempt to fight a king in his own kingdom. So let's just say, in the the spirit of equity, that the lion is in my kitchen. Normally I would use a similar technique for lions, tigers and bears- the laser/bowling ball combo. Since you've already heard me explain that one, I'll illustrate another technique. I call this one Plan B. Plan B consists of two things: 1. The element of surprise, and 2. Piping hot soup. I always keep a a large (but light-weight) cauldron of piping hot soup in my kitchen, usually split pea, or some type of vegan bisque. In order to surprise the lion, I will need to do something it would never expect. First I would turn my stereo on full blast. Lenny Kravitz's "Are You Gonna Go My Way?" is the song of choice when fighting lions. The intensity of Lenny's guitar riff during the intro might be enough to surprise the lion, but I wouldn't stop there. Next I would turn off all the lights except for the strobe light above the stove. While the lion is recovering from this confusing change of scene, I would knock over the cauldron of soup, effectively covering the floor, making it hot and slippery. Finally, I would swing down from atop the fridge on a rope made of hemp and kick the lion back into a pit. If you're going to try this technique at home (which I highly recommend) you may want to dig a pit in your kitchen like I have. Taking care of this in advance will ensure that you are ready for almost any wild mammal attacks in your home. I have covered my pit with a few leafy branches and most days I don't even notice it.
5. Cobra - Can you outrun a cobra? My guess is no. Even if you're fast, eventually you may have to fight a cobra. Here's what I would do if I had to fight one. First I would check to see if it's a spitting cobra. Spitting (like yawning) is contagious. Pay close attention to the dugout at a professional baseball game for an example of this phenomenon. If I spit over to my right and the cobra does nothing, I know it's safe to approach with a hockey stick covered in molasses. Cobras love molasses (as always, don't correct me if I'm wrong) and will be trying to lick the hockey stick the whole time I'm pummeling the poor creature. Case closed. However, if I spit over to the right and the cobra spits over to its right, I know I've got a spitting cobra on my hands and all bets are off. The Peanut Blaster™ is useless against snakes, as are most soups and strobes. Lasers are mildly effective, but require precise positioning, which is often hard to do with little or no time in such a stressful situation. Your best bet, and what I would do, is quickly build a fire. Snakes hate fire (as demonstrated in Indiana Jones films) and will either retreat to look for supplies to make smores, or become aggressively hostile. If the latter is the case, I would let the cobra chase me into a hall of mirrors. Cobras may be deadly, but they're not that smart. I'm sure I could trick the cobra into attacking my reflection enough times that it would eventually grow weary and give up.
Hopefully we will all be lucky enough to never have to fight these animals. Normally this is where you would find a legal disclaimer, warning you to never fight animals and to never use my techniques. You'll find no disclaimer here, just this warning: If you happen to find yourself face to face with one of these formidable creatures and DO NOT use my techniques, you're as good as dead, and I will not visit your grave!
Originally published at TranquilMammoth.com on January 1, 2009.
Can You Lead A Horse To Water?
By Hunter Burgan
"The man who can't visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot."
- André Breton, French Surrealist.
They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I think that's assuming a lot! First off, can we really assume the horse's gender without checking? I, for one, do not wish to be the person in charge of checking. Do you know what the statistics for non-fatal horse related injuries in the US are? I don't either, but I assume they're not pretty. So for the sake of this essay, let's just call the horse an "it."
They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I think that's still assuming a lot! I mean...can you? Can you lead a horse to water? Can you lead a horse at all? Can you even find a horse? I don't know about you, but where I live there aren't horses just hanging out waiting to be lead around. This saying must date back to a time when horses were just hanging around every corner. So, in order to rule out some of these variables and make this easier, let's just assume that you are lucky enough to find a horse who is already near water.
They say you can't make a horse drink. I believe it. That horse is spoiled. You could probably buy that horse some candy and flowers or maybe take it on a date to a really nice Italian restaurant and a jazz club afterward or even fly that horse to Horse Island for a weekend getaway AND STILL the horse probably wouldn't drink, which brings me to the next question.
Why are you trying to get this horse to drink? Surely you aren't trying to take advantage of a horse that's been drinking, right? I'm sure the last thing you need right now, is some type of legal mess that involves an under-aged horse. A jury is not going to be very sympathetic, especially after the cops find the dead horse's body in your trunk! I know what you're thinking, "But Hunter, what was I supposed to do with the body!?!"
There's no use in beating a dead horse. I'll agree with that one. Unless, well... Unless you're under the impression that you can beat a dead horse back to life. I looked online for the definitive horse CPR website, but all I could find was a t-shirt that reads: "I looked online for the definitive horse CPR website, but all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
"Hold your horses, Hunter!" you might be thinking right now, "Where are you going with all of this?" That's a very good question! Winston Churchill once said, "There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man." That makes me wonder what he thought of the inside of a horse. Churchill was smart enough to know that the inside of a horse is often filled with Greek soldiers. At least that's how it was back in the day.
If you lead a horse to water and it decides to drink, then what? If you are clever enough to convince the horse of its thirst, then my work is done here. The student has become the master. Good for you! If you still can't manage to even find a horse, keep trying. If you fall off the horse, it's in your best interest to get back on, or get the hell away. Thirsty horses can be dangerous.
"You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan Laurel, comedy pioneer.
Originally published at TranquilMammoth.com on September 15, 2008.
"The man who can't visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot."
- André Breton, French Surrealist.
They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I think that's assuming a lot! First off, can we really assume the horse's gender without checking? I, for one, do not wish to be the person in charge of checking. Do you know what the statistics for non-fatal horse related injuries in the US are? I don't either, but I assume they're not pretty. So for the sake of this essay, let's just call the horse an "it."
They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I think that's still assuming a lot! I mean...can you? Can you lead a horse to water? Can you lead a horse at all? Can you even find a horse? I don't know about you, but where I live there aren't horses just hanging out waiting to be lead around. This saying must date back to a time when horses were just hanging around every corner. So, in order to rule out some of these variables and make this easier, let's just assume that you are lucky enough to find a horse who is already near water.
They say you can't make a horse drink. I believe it. That horse is spoiled. You could probably buy that horse some candy and flowers or maybe take it on a date to a really nice Italian restaurant and a jazz club afterward or even fly that horse to Horse Island for a weekend getaway AND STILL the horse probably wouldn't drink, which brings me to the next question.
Why are you trying to get this horse to drink? Surely you aren't trying to take advantage of a horse that's been drinking, right? I'm sure the last thing you need right now, is some type of legal mess that involves an under-aged horse. A jury is not going to be very sympathetic, especially after the cops find the dead horse's body in your trunk! I know what you're thinking, "But Hunter, what was I supposed to do with the body!?!"
There's no use in beating a dead horse. I'll agree with that one. Unless, well... Unless you're under the impression that you can beat a dead horse back to life. I looked online for the definitive horse CPR website, but all I could find was a t-shirt that reads: "I looked online for the definitive horse CPR website, but all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
"Hold your horses, Hunter!" you might be thinking right now, "Where are you going with all of this?" That's a very good question! Winston Churchill once said, "There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man." That makes me wonder what he thought of the inside of a horse. Churchill was smart enough to know that the inside of a horse is often filled with Greek soldiers. At least that's how it was back in the day.
If you lead a horse to water and it decides to drink, then what? If you are clever enough to convince the horse of its thirst, then my work is done here. The student has become the master. Good for you! If you still can't manage to even find a horse, keep trying. If you fall off the horse, it's in your best interest to get back on, or get the hell away. Thirsty horses can be dangerous.
"You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan Laurel, comedy pioneer.
Originally published at TranquilMammoth.com on September 15, 2008.
NY2: The Genesis
by Cheval Invisible and Hunter Burgan
The New Yorker 2?! How does such a thing come about? You probably woke up this morning with a feeling like something huge was going to happen to you today. You would have been so much more correct if you had woke up feeling like something huge was going to happen to US today. Don't worry, it's a common mistake.
Welcome.
The New Yorker 2 has been a work in progress for many, possibly DOZENS of minutes. Several important staff meetings occurred (at a company, somewhere else) while we here at NY2 debated (via telepathy) whether we had the right, or reason, to borrow such a notorious name. I mean, The New Yorker 2??! Who do we think we are?!
Earlier today we realized that even our best literary offerings would never see the pages of The New Yorker (now known as The New Yorker 1 or simply, NY1), so we decided to create the next best thing. We knew we wanted to follow in the same footsteps as the popular magazine you know and love, except with a higher numerical value. The decision was instantly obvious yet there was plenty debate over. Should we choose The New Yorker 2? The New Yorker Too? The New Yorker II? Or perhaps even The New Yorker Tew? (what the?!) Ultimately we feel we made the right decision. We think you will agree.
Enjoy.
NY2
The New Yorker 2?! How does such a thing come about? You probably woke up this morning with a feeling like something huge was going to happen to you today. You would have been so much more correct if you had woke up feeling like something huge was going to happen to US today. Don't worry, it's a common mistake.
Welcome.
The New Yorker 2 has been a work in progress for many, possibly DOZENS of minutes. Several important staff meetings occurred (at a company, somewhere else) while we here at NY2 debated (via telepathy) whether we had the right, or reason, to borrow such a notorious name. I mean, The New Yorker 2??! Who do we think we are?!
Earlier today we realized that even our best literary offerings would never see the pages of The New Yorker (now known as The New Yorker 1 or simply, NY1), so we decided to create the next best thing. We knew we wanted to follow in the same footsteps as the popular magazine you know and love, except with a higher numerical value. The decision was instantly obvious yet there was plenty debate over. Should we choose The New Yorker 2? The New Yorker Too? The New Yorker II? Or perhaps even The New Yorker Tew? (what the?!) Ultimately we feel we made the right decision. We think you will agree.
Enjoy.
NY2
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